My entire family was just devastated naturally. I felt I had to keep it together, plus I couldn't go through one of the basic steps of the grief process, denial... I was smacked in the face with reality the moment I walked in his house and saw him. I did keep it together, hell I was numb, post traumatic stress will do that to ya, so I made sure he got cremated like he always told me he wanted.
Thing is, I did not grieve at all really, not for years and even now I still have issues because I've not completed the grieving process. This year it's been really hard. Started a few days ago, just bursting into tears for no reason except that he crossed my mind. Even now writing this the tears are flowing. I can't even reminisce about him much because it hurts so much still. I would love to be able to talk about him and remember his humor without feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest.
My whole world was turned upside down that day. I did not know what post traumatic stress really was or how devastating. Everything about my life changed that day. None of my friends even understood that something was actually wrong in my world except that I had become withdrawn.
A few months later Parker flew down from Washington State and literally saved me from myself. Parker became a safe haven where I wouldn't be self destructive and a few years later when I had my first meltdown he knew exactly how to handle it. Parker is the best thing that ever happened in my life aside from my children.