It was ten years ago today...

January 27, 1999 I found my oldest brother dead. He had been there for about four days. His heater was on 80 and in Texas they don't tend to have cold winters for days on end, it had been in the 80's during the day for those four days. Needles to say it wasn't a pretty picture. I knew before I unlocked his door what I would walk into, it is a distinct smell. Basically, I shut my self off so I could do what needed to be done. I got the door open, visually confirmed what I already knew would be on the other side of the door and then looked for his phone, a cordless and not on the charger. When I found it, I walked outside, for obvious reasons, and called 911. I then called my friend Audra to come sit with me while I waited on the police and coroner etc. to come. Then I called my mom, told her what happened and asked her to go over to my grandmothers house because she was home alone and I didn't want her to hear about this while she was alone. Best laid plans always go wrong... my grandmother called my brother's house. I had to tell her over the phone that, "no Grandma, nothing is ok". She asked if he was dead and I said yes. I did find out later that she called one of her friends to come sit with her. Meantime, the coroner had gotten there and he told me that the cause of death was obvious, auto erotic asphyxiation.

My entire family was just devastated naturally. I felt I had to keep it together, plus I couldn't go through one of the basic steps of the grief process, denial... I was smacked in the face with reality the moment I walked in his house and saw him. I did keep it together, hell I was numb, post traumatic stress will do that to ya, so I made sure he got cremated like he always told me he wanted.

Thing is, I did not grieve at all really, not for years and even now I still have issues because I've not completed the grieving process. This year it's been really hard. Started a few days ago, just bursting into tears for no reason except that he crossed my mind. Even now writing this the tears are flowing. I can't even reminisce about him much because it hurts so much still. I would love to be able to talk about him and remember his humor without feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest.

My whole world was turned upside down that day. I did not know what post traumatic stress really was or how devastating. Everything about my life changed that day. None of my friends even understood that something was actually wrong in my world except that I had become withdrawn.

A few months later Parker flew down from Washington State and literally saved me from myself. Parker became a safe haven where I wouldn't be self destructive and a few years later when I had my first meltdown he knew exactly how to handle it. Parker is the best thing that ever happened in my life aside from my children.