*sighs*

Last month I posted about my grandfather being in his last days. Today around 1pm PST he crossed the veil. He's not suffering anymore, trapped in a body that doesn't work and unable to communicate with the rest of the world. He is now at peace. I grieve because I loved him but I celebrate that he is now free and that his dash was well lived, well lived indeed.

Goodbye Grandpa Frank, you'll always be in my heart.

Frank Charles Ashby Jr.
March 22, 1932 - February 16, 2009

The Dash
copyright 1996 Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth...
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars....the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile...
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they
say about how you spend your dash?

It was ten years ago today...

January 27, 1999 I found my oldest brother dead. He had been there for about four days. His heater was on 80 and in Texas they don't tend to have cold winters for days on end, it had been in the 80's during the day for those four days. Needles to say it wasn't a pretty picture. I knew before I unlocked his door what I would walk into, it is a distinct smell. Basically, I shut my self off so I could do what needed to be done. I got the door open, visually confirmed what I already knew would be on the other side of the door and then looked for his phone, a cordless and not on the charger. When I found it, I walked outside, for obvious reasons, and called 911. I then called my friend Audra to come sit with me while I waited on the police and coroner etc. to come. Then I called my mom, told her what happened and asked her to go over to my grandmothers house because she was home alone and I didn't want her to hear about this while she was alone. Best laid plans always go wrong... my grandmother called my brother's house. I had to tell her over the phone that, "no Grandma, nothing is ok". She asked if he was dead and I said yes. I did find out later that she called one of her friends to come sit with her. Meantime, the coroner had gotten there and he told me that the cause of death was obvious, auto erotic asphyxiation.

My entire family was just devastated naturally. I felt I had to keep it together, plus I couldn't go through one of the basic steps of the grief process, denial... I was smacked in the face with reality the moment I walked in his house and saw him. I did keep it together, hell I was numb, post traumatic stress will do that to ya, so I made sure he got cremated like he always told me he wanted.

Thing is, I did not grieve at all really, not for years and even now I still have issues because I've not completed the grieving process. This year it's been really hard. Started a few days ago, just bursting into tears for no reason except that he crossed my mind. Even now writing this the tears are flowing. I can't even reminisce about him much because it hurts so much still. I would love to be able to talk about him and remember his humor without feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest.

My whole world was turned upside down that day. I did not know what post traumatic stress really was or how devastating. Everything about my life changed that day. None of my friends even understood that something was actually wrong in my world except that I had become withdrawn.

A few months later Parker flew down from Washington State and literally saved me from myself. Parker became a safe haven where I wouldn't be self destructive and a few years later when I had my first meltdown he knew exactly how to handle it. Parker is the best thing that ever happened in my life aside from my children.

I should post an update eh

I'm still in Vegas :D and loving my extended visit with my Aunt. Do not miss the snow at all. :p

A few things are going on right now that are a bit stressful.

I'm trying to get my oldest daughter to transfer out to Vegas to finish up school. She would be somewhere that her dad and I could come see her every so often or vice versa and we wouldn't worry as much about her.

My last grandfather is about to die. He has alzheimers and is in the last stages where he is doesn't want to eat much. In this stage they start losing the ability to swallow so they start refusing food. He is long past the point to where he even knows who anyone is. Very sad and very heartbreaking. My Aunt is dealing with letting go now. It's hard, really hard. He may last another month, six weeks at best. I'm very thankful that I can be here at this time and that I got to see him one last time as well. The man lived a very vibrant life. He knew Roy Orbison, they were friends growing up. That man had some good stories.

It's tax time...

Las Vegas Snow 08

Las Vegas Snow 08
Originally uploaded by Gwen Wolfrose

A few hundred miles South and a few thousand feet down in elevation and the fucking white shit follows me to Vegas... damn it! <.<

Going South was a grand idea!

Well, looking at the Kemmerer webcam I see that it is 23*F there with snow on the ground. I'm enjoying the 57*F weather here in Las Vegas even though people here seem to think it's a little bit cold.

If I were home right now I would most likely be curled up in bed crying from fibro hell. I'm very thankful to have been able to come down here to spend some time with my aunt and enjoy a warmer winter this year. No snow for me! *snoopy dancing*